March of the Penguins: The Camera Mans Tale
by evalentine
Summary: Summary: Written for Reel Torchwood round four.  Jack and Ianto are wildlife photographers. They have arrived ready to start   filming for the wildlife documentary 'March of the Penguins'.


Title: March of the Penguins: The Camera Mans Tale.

Author: Evalentine99

Fandom: Torchwood.

Genre: Crackfic/ Humor

Rating: NC17

Pairing: Jack/Ianto Owen, Adam.

AU -

Beta: milady_dragon

Thank you to my friend Laura S for the Faux Irish Coffee idea.

Torchwood- Copyright BBC. This Fan fiction has been created for enjoyment and is not for profit.

Summary: Jack and Ianto are wildlife photographers. They have arrived ready to start filming for the wildlife documentary 'March of the Penguins'.

Note: **NO **penguins were harmed in the writing of this fanfic.

* * *

><p><strong>Title: March of the Penguins: The Camera Mans Tale.<strong>

Watching until the support dinghy reached the main ship, Ianto turned and without a word stomped off across the ice towards the small hut he and Jack had spent the last day putting together.

Reaching the hut he opened, entered then slammed the door. Jack flinched as the entire structure shook. He wondered how much longer Ianto was going to go without speaking to him. He was used to the silent treatment, but this was without precedent. Three weeks of glaring, huffing, eye rolling, along with deep looks of anger thrown his way. He wondered how long he was going to keep this up. True they had lost the toss and ended up here. It was beautiful if not cold. Well, it was Antarctica after all and penguins were sort of cute. He could hear Ianto's reply in his head, ' _but not months sitting in some hut in the middle of no-where lacking even the most basic and I mean basic amenities, __**cute!'**_ He winced in recollection of the list of basic amenities Ianto considered essential, from coffee and toast to being able to pee without losing your penis to frostbite, followed by a longer list of all the reasons he hated Owen. Taking in a deep breath he took a final look around and followed, resigning himself to a long cold winter.

* * *

><p><strong>Day One <strong>

_Diary Entry: Jack Harkness, Cameraman One_.

We have arrived. We have assembled the hut, packed away our supplies. Checked the camera equipment and everything is in good order. The sun is not yet skimming the horizon and but it should achieve that in the next few week and will then disappear for months. No penguins but we did not expect to see any as they are yet to arrive. We are here early to get footage to set the scene so to speak and give people a sense of location. Allow them to fully immerse themselves in the full wonder of the magnificence of the landscape.

_Entry: Ianto Jones, Cameraman Two. _

It's cold. F %=#*^&^% G Penguins!

F %#*^&^%G Owen!

Strangle, thoughts of murder. Hands around his scrawny little neck

BASTARD!

* * *

><p><strong>Day Two<strong>

_Entry: Jack Harkness, Cameraman One_.

Today I spent a large part of the morning reworking the supplies to give us more room in the hut. Ianto refused to help as this would mean having to leave his sleeping bag and he just glared at me as I worked. I made him a coffee and tried to explain that this was not my fault. I offered a blow job as recompense but this was also refused. I noted that with some relief that he at least took the coffee I offered even if he was muttering to himself.

I am not too happy to be here either, however I have decided that I might as well make the best of it and make a start. Filmed panorama of area as weather is clear at present. These scenes are vital to place the filmgoer into the scene. It is magnificent.

No penguins.

_Entry: Ianto Jones, Cameraman Two_

F %#*^&^%G Owen! BASTARD!

Dark thoughts of Owen being eaten by shark only thing keeping me going.

Refused offer of blow job. Accepting means I have to open sleeping bag.

Coffee was vile but warm and hot. As nearest decent coffee shop is on another continent decided this was better than nothing.

* * *

><p><strong>Day Three<strong>

_Entry: Jack Harkness, Cameraman One_.

Spent a lot of time filming landscape, sky, ice, more sky, more landscape, snow swirling around ice, more ice, sun chasing around skyline.

Ianto spoke to me today beyond a grunt, are relations thawing?

No penguins.

_Entry: Ianto Jones, Cameraman Two_

I spent the entire day trying to find creative ways of never leaving sleeping bag.

Need to find way to get three inch pipe through six inches of lagging. I came to conclusion there is no solution and screaming bladder made delay any longer impossible.

Jack has been out filming today.

Why would penguins come here?

Are they mad!

Most miserable desolate place on earth.

And it's COLD! I hate the cold.

I'm a lizard; I need a rock, and a heat lamp preferably within a five star hotel with a mini bar and superior coffee making facilities.

Well at least access to a five star hotel with a mini bar and local coffee shop with superior coffee making facilities. (A pool would also be nice)

Murderous thoughts of Owen still at forefront of mind.

* * *

><p><strong>Day Four<strong>

_Entry: Jack Harkness, Cameraman One._

Difficult day but Ianto is at last speaking to me. Ianto is not much of a talker but clearly he has been brooding. I would have serious fears for Owen if he wasn't thousands of miles away on some yacht in the South Pacific. From the outpourings I gathered that Owen rigged the coin toss. I tried to make a joke by pointing out that makes him a 'tosser' but the look on Ianto's face prevented me from speaking.

_Entry: Ianto Jones, Cameraman Two._

I have explained to Jack in no uncertain terms, using small words and a demonstration that Owen cheated. He has a double-sided coin and he cheats, he always cheats. Jack tried to make light of the situation, but I threw a withering look at him. The bottom line is we're stuck here while Owen swans about with Adam on a luxury yacht being waited on hand and foot. Have been sending mental thoughts to the local shark population in the hopes he will get eaten!

No penguins.

* * *

><p><strong>Day Eight<strong>

_Entry: Jack Harkness, Cameraman One_.

Busy day today. We completed all the outside mood atmosphere, filming landscapes and so on. Weather is on turn. Double-checked everything was stored away in case the weather turns nasty. Checked and cleaned camera equipment. Then went over footage.

_Entry: Ianto Jones, Cameraman Two_.

Still no penguins. Can't blame them really. Desolate place, windswept and white. Did I mention how cold it was? If I was an emperor penguin I would be on some beach all warm near a five star hotel with a mini bar and access to superior coffee making facilities, soft cotton sheets, showers, ability to shave, and not have to debate leaving sleeping bag to take a piss.

* * *

><p><strong>Day Eleven<strong>

_Entry: Jack Harkness, Cameraman One_.

Am seriously bored. Ianto is right; this place is a hole. Thinking dark thoughts and joined Ianto in finding a way to alert local shark population and how to track down yacht, by following trail of paper umbrellas left in its wake.

No Penguins.

_Entry: Ianto Jones, Cameraman Two._

Seriously thought I saw a penguin today. After much gesticulating and pointing and arguing with Jack I found it was grit on lens of binoculars.

Filmed more landscape.

Wind blowing today, filmed that as well. Snow swirling…filmed that. Snow going very fast in wind…filmed that. Windblown snow flying over rocks, over our feet, over the hut, over the snow…filmed that.

* * *

><p><strong>Day Sixteen<strong>

Penguins expected hourly.

* * *

><p><strong>Day Twenty-Two<strong>

_Entry: Jack Harkness, Cameraman One_. Still no penguins.

_Entry: Ianto Jones, Cameraman Two._

Snow angels impossible, snow too hard.

But we have perfected writing name in snow game. Lots of jokes about not eating yellow snow. My handwriting has improved.

* * *

><p><strong>Day Twenty-Five<strong>

_Entry: Jack Harkness, Cameraman One_.

We have been stuck in hut for three days in a row while winds howl around us. Bored is a word I never thought would apply to the lifestyle of an international wildlife photographer. After staring at the walls followed by the ceiling followed by the floor made offer which was gracefully accepted. Put a smile on Ianto's face

_Entry: Ianto Jones, Cameraman Two_.

Am feeling a lot better. Jack came up with idea: improve our techniques. Long and slow. Hard and fast. How many times. Can I make Jack beg for mercy…..OH yeah! And with any luck tomorrow we will wake up and find ourselves surrounded by penguins.

* * *

><p><strong>Day Twenty-Six<strong>

_Entry: Jack Harkness, Cameraman One_.

Woke up and the storm had passed. Beautiful fine clear day.

We spent most of the day trying to see if any penguins were headed this way. I had to fight Ianto for binoculars. He is surprisingly strong when determined, so had to use camera lens.

_Entry: Ianto Jones, Cameraman Two_.

Spent all day searching horizon for any sign of penguins. There was a slight tussle but won right to use binoculars. As I looked down the lenses I had a horrible thought: what if the end of the world has occurred and we are stuck here forever? No more real coffee, hot water, toast, warm clean sheets in large comfortable bed, television, DVD's. No amount of blow jobs is going to make up being here for the rest of my life. God no please, please, and I never thought I would hear myself say this, please let there be **penguins!**

* * *

><p><strong>Day Twenty-Eight<strong>

_Entry: Jack Harkness, Cameraman One_

Penguin on horizon. Spent day filming penguins approach.

_Entry: Ianto Jones, Cameraman Two_.

On seeing first penguin I went down on my knees and said prayer of thanks to god of penguins. I made a solemn pledge to sacrifice Owen in gratitude for this wonderful moment.

* * *

><p><strong>Day Twenty-Nine<strong>

_Entry: Jack Harkness, Cameraman One_

Penguins now in long line waddling slowly towards us.

_Entry: Ianto Jones, Cameraman Two_.

I spent the day actually doing something.

* * *

><p><strong>Day Thirty<strong>

_Entry: Jack Harkness, Cameraman One_

Very busy day. There are now hundreds of penguins heading towards us.

_Entry: Ianto Jones, Cameraman Two_.

I cannot believe I am excited and enjoyed filming penguins.

No death is too slow or painful for Owen!

* * *

><p><strong>Day Thirty-One<strong>

_Entry: Jack Harkness, Cameraman One_.

The penguins have arrived and immediately got around to finding a mate. Lots of shuffling and throwing their heads back making a baying noise. Mating is over surprisingly quickly.

_Entry: Ianto Jones, Cameraman Two_.

Poor little blighters all over before it's begun. Whole bloody year and that's it? I thank God hourly that I am not said penguin.

* * *

><p><strong>Day Thirty-Two<strong>

_Entry: Jack Harkness, Cameraman One_.

Final moment of light has gone. We are now in permanent dusk. Have made horrific discovery in regards to food situation. It can only be a matter of days before Ianto finds out. Ianto was right I can't be trusted. Why did I argue with him and insist I take over the rations, he knows everything and is always right?

_Entry: Ianto Jones, Cameraman Two_.

Corned beef and rice again tonight, that is the fourth day in row. Corned beef is alright if there is nothing else. Normally we only eat this as last resort when there is nothing else left, like the hard toffees at the bottom of the tin. I realize we need calories but we have boxes and boxes of dehydrated food, and tins. We need variety, something with flavor; even tinned tuna would be okay. Jack's done the cooking over past week. I will take over tomorrow; go through the supplies and see what I can throw together.

* * *

><p><strong>Day Thirty-Three<strong>

_Entry: Jack Harkness, Cameraman One_.

Big lesson today: never, never, never, underestimate the anger of a man who has found out he has nothing but three months of corned beef and rice to look forward to.

_Entry: Ianto Jones, Cameraman Two_.

%=#*^&^% !

* * *

><p><strong>Day Thirty-Four<strong>

_Entry: Jack Harkness, Cameraman One_.

Ianto has been muttering all day about finding some food here. He spent the greater part of the day trying to make a harpoon, saying something about elephant seals.

_Entry: Ianto Jones, Cameraman Two_.

Harpoon requires following: wood or wood substitute; metal of some kind. Sharp knife and rope.

BBQ: needs Grill

Question - How well does corn beef burn?

* * *

><p><strong>Day Thirty-Five<strong>

_Entry: Jack Harkness, Cameraman One_.

Long day of filming. It's getting darker and darker. We have pulled out the lighting so that we are now prepared for the full force of winter. Ianto appears to be calmer and has moved to looking less sullen. I am relieved to say Ianto's determination to hunt down an elephant seal has faded and as he has found other potential food source.

_Entry: Ianto Jones, Cameraman Two_.

Eggs, found them just lying about on the ground. They are pear-shaped and larger than a chicken egg. Biggest issue is they are frozen solid. However I have now solved this and have one egg under each armpit to thaw. I wonder what penguin egg omelet tastes like?

Both Jack and I agree - Fishy.

* * *

><p><strong>Day Thirty-Seven<strong>

_Entry: Jack Harkness, Cameraman One_.

Really bad weather hit today. See that half the penguins have left and the remainder are beginning to huddle. Recovering from sore stomach which proved to be very awkward to say the least. I'm never wanted to see another penguin egg ever again. However we both agreed before, during and after breakfast, lunch and dinner they could be a delicacy. Somewhere out there is a chef who could make them tasty. However with our limited condiments nothing could improve the rubbery texture or strange tangy fishy aftertaste.

_Entry: Ianto Jones, Cameraman Two._

Found our over indulgence of penguin eggs had an unexpected side effect. Let's just say we don't have enough toilet paper to cover the potential overflow issue and they take too long to thaw and have strange flavor which no amount of chicken jokes could cover.

Found new sport today. Found eggs can really travel with a bit of wind behind them. Jack and I had competition to see how far we could get one. First time we have actually had some real fun to take our mind off the horrible conditions.

* * *

><p><strong>Day Thirty-Eight<strong>

_Entry: Jack Harkness, Cameraman One._

Ianto is right; we should make our own fun. I am tired of being dirty, bored and eating the same thing day in, day out. We got talking and realized we have everything on hand to actually make our own entertainment. Egg skimming along the ice was our first game. So we tried marbles and then attempted billiards (with our feet). Ianto introduced me to conkers but proved too difficult because there was no way to drill hole in center to place the string. However I agreed in principal it was a great idea. From the long descriptions of his days at school meant this was clearly a very happy time for him. Always impressed by Ianto's knowledge. I was amazed at the history about, making of, and competition called 'conkers'. It only became uncomfortable when I suggested that soaking a conker in vinegar then baking it could be considered cheating.

_Entry: Ianto Jones, Cameraman Two_.

Brilliant day. Introduced Jack to 'conkers' which he had never heard off. Spent hours regaling him with my days of glory as West Wales primary school conker champion. Responded to Jack's suggestion that I only won because I cheated, by saying 'I was ten.'

Billiards proved too difficult (no cues) but descended very quickly into football.

* * *

><p><strong>Day Thirty-Nine<strong>

_Entry: Jack Harkness, Cameraman One_.

I had wonderful day. Didn't get much filming done.

_Entry: Ianto Jones, Cameraman Two_.

We have noticed several males without eggs so decided to commandeer six of them.

We decided to set up penguin skittles. Firstly the penguins kept trying to huddle. However we quickly realized this could be a variation, so was allowable under the rules of skittles. Then, we discovered we had nothing to knock them over with. We need some sort of arm and heavy ball. We have potential for ball which would be perfect.

Question: how well do penguins bend? Can't wait to find out.

* * *

><p><strong>Day Forty<strong>

_Entry: Jack Harkness, Cameraman One_.

Did some filming but not much to film, just lots of miserable looking penguins shuffling about trying to huddle together against the terrible cold.

Noticed the penguins we had separated out the day before had shuffled over to the far right of the hut and had joined another bachelor group. It was perturbing the way they looked at us like they could sense we were coming.

_Entry: Ianto Jones, Cameraman Two_.

Tired but happy day. It started out with a discussion sharing our favorite children's books and in honor of Jack's choice we decided to enact a scene from "Yertle the Turtle."

At first our task did not appear too difficult. Penguins are bottom heavy therefore penguin-stacking should be easy.

Firstly Emperor Penguins are a lot heavier than they look. Solid would be the best way to describe them. Also they were very cranky and kept pecking at our hands. Luckily for both of us we were wearing heavy gloves.

Even being bottom-heavy they didn't balance well. Two was the maximum we managed.

Biggest issue appeared to be penguins have no shoulders.

* * *

><p><strong>Day Forty-one <strong>

_Entry: Jack Harkness, Cameraman One._

Birthday today. Opened presents, one a card from Owen and Adam, the smug git asking if we were enjoying the solitude and lack of civilization. Cheered up after Ianto gave me his special, his technique has really improved. I mean he was good before we got here but WOW. It's clear all the hours of practice have paid off.

To end the day he put together a meal with our final remaining large tin of tuna and after joking about making faux Irish coffee by straining it through the alcohol wipes from the medical kit, he produced whiskey. For the first time here was full, sated, and warm and after the day's events, entertained.

_Entry: Ianto Jones, Cameraman Two_

Had full day planned for Jack and I have to say it was roaring success.

Glad Jack never noticed the funny tasting coffee all I can say is desperate times call for desperate measures. And it's amazing what a continual diet of corned beef and rice will drive a man too.

After giving Jack his present I apologized that I was not able to provide the penguin BBQ I had been planning. Firstly even after I had managed to separate one, because they have this instinct to huddle, it took off. They are a lot faster then they look. Once they get up to speed they can put up one hell of a lick.

Then I produced the whiskey and tuna. Several hours later the fun began.

I can never see penguin bowling taking off. They are reluctant to roll into a ball and once thrown uncurl quickly. And the other issue is by the time you have managed to get one to curl up and position yourself for a throw all the penguins we separated out as pins were back in a huddle.

Question: Could this be a considered variation of skittles?

Penguin croquet might be a possibility. We realized early on that it was almost impossible to get the ball (egg) between the penguins' legs because they are too short. However when used as posts it was much better and the ball (egg) passed between the penguins; no issue.

Jack did make a valid point: for this to be successful we needed to find better mallets because penguin heads are the wrong shape but their feet are perfect to hold onto, providing excellent grip!

* * *

><p><strong>Day Forty-Three<strong>

_Entry: Jack Harkness, Cameraman One_

Hangover. Spent day in bed contemplating Ianto's earlier dilemma of peeing and being forced to leave sleeping bag.

_Entry: Ianto Jones, Cameraman Two_

After listening to endless moaning solved Jack's problem by handing him empty whisky bottle. After much debate found no way of sending this to Owen and Adam as belated offer to join birthday party.

* * *

><p><strong>Day Forty-Four<strong>

_Entry: Jack Harkness, Cameraman One_.

All the penguins are now huddled in one or more groups. We did a small amount of filming in gale to show conditions.

_Entry: Ianto Jones, Cameraman Two_.

Horrible conditions outside. Only less horrible inside. When I get back I am going to set in motion a worldwide campaign to ban corned beef and rice.

Every moment asleep I dream of hot showers, shaving, and food; real food, and coffee; real coffee, sweet black dark bitter mouthfuls of heaven.

* * *

><p><strong>Day Forty-Seven<strong>

_Entry: Jack Harkness, Cameraman One._

Storm is raging outside. I never thought I would be so bored or fed up in my entire life. Up until now I have enjoyed my life travelling around the world. Ianto and I have a wonderful life, the sights and sounds we have seen. Ianto is working on something as a surprise. As full sex is out, too cold and the lube is frozen solid, so I can't even begin to imagine what he is up to.

_Entry: Ianto Jones, Cameraman Two_.

PENGUIN OYMPICS!

* * *

><p><strong>Day Forty-Eight.<strong>

_Entry: Jack Harkness, Cameraman One._

What a day! All I can say is Ianto's inventiveness is one of the reasons I love him so much. That and his sick, twisted, dark mind and sinfully sexy body. Have I written here just how good Ianto's blow jobs are?

Let the games begin.

The day began with the opening ceremony.

We stood as Ianto waved a homemade flag. Our faces glowed by the light emanating from pile of burning corned beef which stood in for the Olympic flame as we faced the biggest huddle of penguins. Ianto had come up with a very saucy anthem which I can say I added a few verses of my own. We decided that the biggest huddle, which is males with eggs, were to represent the crowd. As Ianto pointed out the more stroppy penguins are those with eggs. And both Ianto and I have been subject to baleful glares, beak clacking and if we get anywhere near they lash out. We had discovered their beaks are sharp and we get pecked (a lot). Like any crowd really.

Day one of competition.

Categories:

Huddling

Shuffling

Standing with back to wind

Sliding along the ground

Penguin tipping

_Entry: Ianto Jones, Cameraman Two_

After choosing our bachelor group, the games began.

After about fifteen minutes it became clear that all the penguins present were gold medal winners in the three first categories: huddling, shuffling and standing with their backs to the wind.

However after some debate we decided to see how fast it would be for separated penguins to re-huddle once separated. As good luck would have it I had my stopwatch which for some reason I cannot understand is completely unaffected by the cold.

Ninety-three seconds was the best speed for a top distance of one meter. However we did discover this sport requires more than two penguins and found eight to be a good number.

However the next category proved far more challenging.

Unlike the other categories, it takes speed and skill to tip an Emperor penguin. Despite their clear disadvantage of being on land they are really stable. They have this inbuilt stability like one of those toys that no matter how much you tip it over it rights itself. Jack pointed out that those feet we found so useful must give them a good grip holding on the ice.

Jack and I awarded ourselves with medals for this. I can see penguin tipping become a national Antarctic sport. As for the sliding, Jack I nearly wore ourselves running after the little buggers. God they can put in a turn of speed! As they were all equally excellent as evading us the rest of the day we decided to award the lot of them gold medals.

* * *

><p><strong>Day Forty-Nine.<strong>

_Entry: Jack Harkness, Cameraman One_.

After much discussion in our hut as we went over the days' events, we both decided this Olympics should have a more diverse cultural flavor. In truth we are being highly penguin-centric and I would hate for either of us to be accused we had not included all possible animals here. In light of this Ianto set off early this morning on a ski-doo while I did some filming. On a personal note I think the bad light is affecting my sight. I could swear the large huddle of penguins have moved closer to the hut.

_Entry: Ianto Jones, Cameraman Two_.

Just got back and I am tired out. Leopard seals are even stroppier than bloody penguins. Took me hours to track one down. After zero success at being able to corner one I got lucky. Thank god for the mighty ski-doo. God they are bad tempered nearly lost my hand as I strapped it to the side of my ski-doo.

After I got back it lay huddled down the far end of the hut growling and became really aggressive, showing us its teeth, clearly unhappy. It cheered up when Jack offered it some food. It tore into the two dozen cans of corned beef we tossed its way. (Of which we fortunately appear to have an endless supply of). After licking up the final morsels it stopped looking at us like we're on the menu much to our respective reliefs.

It's now taken over Jack's bunk and on its back fast sleep snoring its head off and filling the room with a pungent fishy stench. After months of nothing but the effects of our rubbish diet I have to say it's a pleasant change.

* * *

><p><strong>Day Fifty-One<strong>

_Entry: Jack Harkness, Cameraman One_.

Today was a great success. Despite early difficulties our leopard seal which I have to say performed admirably winning a gold medal in the 'How far will a leopard seal leap to reach an Emperor penguin aided by a run up and ramp?' event.

It's been a great couple of days. We are now on the home run. The sky is beginning to lighten. I can't wait to see the sun again. Soon the penguin eggs will hatch and there will be lots to film. Then we can escape this nightmarish hell hole and I can start practicing the art of double head coin tossing!

_Entry: Ianto Jones, Cameraman Two_

I am knackered; trying to contain an overeager leopard seal is no mean feat.

We decided to not bother with penguin skiing or sledding. Firstly the penguins find the presence of a leopard seal unsettling and secondly, we have nothing to strap the penguins to our feet with. Same goes for the sledding; we need specialist harnesses before we can find out if it is possible to replace dogs with penguins.

After tomorrow we need to get some film in the can. And to be truthful that seal is stinky, made worse by its current diet. Even with our current malodorous unwashed condition the heady essence of seal overwhelming. With no windows to open the odor inside the hut is overpowering. I will be glad to see the back of it; bloody animal has now taken over Jack's sleeping bag and his bunk so he will have to sleep with me tonight. I shouldn't complain too much, at least I won't have to air the fish pong out of my sleeping bag!

* * *

><p><strong>Day Fifty-Two<strong>

_Entry: Jack Harkness, Cameraman One_.

Busy day today. Ianto and I spent hours coaxing the seal out of the hut which it was none too pleased to leave. For some reason in just two days it's become addicted to comfortable living. From the growls and mournful looks back towards the bunk along with nudges of the large pile of empty corned beef tins we got the idea that living in a warm and comfortable hovel with an endless supply of what has turned out to canned leopard seal food is preferable to living outside in the howling freezing wind.

After hours we finally managed to tempt it out with a penguin. Seeing a potential game of chase was in order it slumped its way out. Then Ianto and I managed to lash it to the ski-do and Ianto took off. It almost broke my heart to break its trust and hear its soft cries of disappointment that there was no fun and games today.

_Entry: Ianto Jones, Cameraman Two_

Dumped seal at water's edge. Found best way to say good-bye was to say 'Good-bye' and drove back. On return found Jack had cleaned up hut, and had prepared a meal. Tomorrow we need to get on and get set up for next round of filming.

* * *

><p><strong>Day Fifty-Four<strong>

_Entry: Jack Harkness, Cameraman One_

Hut slightly less smelly now I have had major clean up.

I enjoyed being able to use the whole hut instead of huddling down the other end away from Leo because let's face it no one is going to refuse anything to the sharp end of a seal when it bares its teeth.

On the other hand I kinda miss Leo; the hut feels empty without his presence. True, he was smelly and hogged the bed, took over my sleeping bag and was very cranky if not fed continuous supply of corned beef but I miss him. He was almost affectionate the way he took cans from my hand and looked at me with those wonderful eyes.

I hope Leo is okay out there and not too cold and lonely.

_Entry: Ianto Jones, Cameraman Two_

Did some filming today. For four hours the sky now lightens heralding the coming of spring.

The penguins are slightly more settled today, most likely because they are not being chased by 500 kilo seal. God penguins can move when they want to, egg or no egg.

Jack still moping about told him it was a mistake to give it a name and pet it. The bloody thing is back where it belongs. I can only put down the whole seal adventure to madness, caused by boredom, diet and horrible living conditions and endless bloody night.

* * *

><p><strong>Day Fifty-Seven<strong>

_Entry: Jack Harkness, Cameraman One_.

Leo is back!

As glad as I was to see that he was alright and heartened as I was by his cries of greeting and pleasure in seeing me, does not negate the fact we now have a penguin obsessed half ton, twelve foot leopard seal which has taken over the hut. Also my bunk and my sleeping bag next an every growing pile of empty cans.

_Entry: Ianto Jones, Cameraman Two_

We have a problem. It would appear leopard seals have a homing ability.

* * *

><p><strong>Day Fifty-Nine<strong>

_Entry: Jack Harkness, Cameraman One_.

Leo is gone.

It was heart breaking. I had huge row with Ianto who argued in no uncertain terms it had to go. It was him or the seal.

I am too distraught to write much, but in the end only I could do the dirty deed. How trusting he had become as I took him back to the sea. It broke my heart making it clear that he had to go. There was no future for us, he couldn't return with us to our home in Cardiff and he would have to remain. There are just too many difficulties.

Ianto is right; there would be no guarantee that we could replace penguins with cats in his diet. I am sure we could have supplied as many kittens or puppies as he needed but it wouldn't be the same as a penguin. And he loves penguins.

I fed him a last can then pointed to the sea, with a wistful backward glance he disappeared into the water. I shouted after him that I would never forget him but it was too late he was gone.

I can't write here about the journey back to the hut it's just too painful.

_Entry: Ianto Jones, Cameraman Two_

God Jack can be a girl. He's been moping for bloody hours, holding empty tins, sitting on the bunk with his hand where Leo lay. I made him a coffee and promised that when we got home I would frame Jack's favorite photograph of him, making his gold winning leap. Or the one where he had that proud look on his face when he broke up the big huddle.

I gently told him as interesting it would be to be the only couple in our apartment block with a leopard seal as a pet it was too impractical. Some lines should not be crossed.

Trying very hard to not roll my eyes over Jack's anguish here because it is clear a genuine connection was forged.

However as much as Jack clearly held a lot of affection for him, I am glad to see the back of the bloody thing.

* * *

><p><strong>Day Sixty-Four<strong>

_Entry: Jack Harkness, Cameraman One_.

The sun has finally re-appeared and within the next two weeks we will finally be free of this place. We watched the sun rise above the horizon, our arms around each other's waist.

I haven't been writing much as I have been keeping myself busy with lots of filming. The chicks are all now hatched. The females have returned and the males are now shuffling off towards the open ocean. All I can think of is how much Leo would have loved chasing them back to the water.

_Entry: Ianto Jones, Cameraman Two_

We've been so busy. The babies; the females have returned. After so much inactivity it is wonderful to be doing something.

Jack still moping about, only good thing is he's kept himself busy so our filming is now all caught up.

Today I noticed the penguins were noisier than usual. At first I put this down to the males and females greeting each other. However the chattering and baleful glares are being directed towards me and Jack. Is most likely some form of penguin behavior; personally I don't care. I have never had any interest in penguins; never understood why people see then as innately funny. However being here has allowed me to develop a serious pathological loathing. In my dreams I am transported to the _Futurama_ universe where I join in endless penguin hunts with an unlimited supply of shot, sorry I digress.

Penguins…how I long never to write that word again!

* * *

><p><strong>Day Seventy<strong>

_Entry: Jack Harkness, Cameraman One_.

Radio contact today. First time in weeks other than basic reports had some news.

We are not to pack up hut. There is going to be some summer filming for some BBC documentary and they need to use the facilities.

So in between we are getting the final sequences in we are clearing up but part of my heart will always remain.

_Entry: Ianto Jones, Cameraman Two_

Oh for god's sake Jack!

List:

Escape from nightmare hellhole.

Shower

Shave

Throw our festering clothes overboard.

Coffee followed by eating every selection on the ship's menu.

Ravish Jack.

Ravish Jack some more.

Sleep in warm clean bed.

Midterm plans:

Holiday where Jack and I get to ravish each other... a lot.

I seem to be using the term the ravish repeatedly … God I miss sex.

Long term plans:

Start global campaign to ban of all canned corned beef products.

Make good on pledge to sacrifice Owen.

Never see, or speak about penguins again.

* * *

><p><strong>Ten days later.<strong>

"What is with those bloody penguins?" Owen complained loudly as he struggled to close the hut door but was prevented by the sheer fury of pecking at his lower legs and feet.

He growled in frustration as he and Adam had tried to leave several times over the past hours but it was impossible.

"We have to leave sometime and get some filming done," he pointed out.

Looking out the small window they now saw they were surrounded by a ring of penguins several individuals deep. The penguins were chattering away fiercely.

"I could swear there are more penguins than an hour ago," Adam added.

"Why are they still here? Shouldn't they be off swimming or something?" Owen grumbled as he put his camera down.

"It's odd," Adam agreed. "If I didn't know better I would say they have a grudge or something." Moving away he stood by his bunk and his foot connected with something. Kneeling he reached under the bunk and pulled out a large glass bottle and read the label.

"Here, this should put a smile on your face," he said as he handed over a bottle filled with dark amber liquid.

"Whiskey!" Owen said with a grin.


End file.
